Thank you everyone for such wonderful comments on my last post ... you are all so thoughtful and insightful! Where would I be without such friends?! I'll be printing them all out and keeping them close by!
I'm feeling better about things today. I had my hip x-rays yesterday (and they called me back after 2 hours to have more taken!), and while lying on the cold metal bed while the machine did its thing (an experience I've had all my life, at intervals), I felt totally calm, and could really embrace that this whole thing will only happen minute-by-minute, and I can cope with that (mostly, on good days).
It's when I look at the whole experience lying ahead of me in its unknown totality that I freak out. So I'll do my best not to dwell on it, and not talk about it unless I have to. I've already written about my PTSD on my Medical History form sent by the surgeon (the "list of surgeries" will be an attached sheet - there was only a piddling 3 lines to write in!). And as Honeygo said, I can choose this time, and have a say as an adult over what happens to me. It does make a difference.
Yesterday's Jejune Day was really nice (x-rays notwithstanding). A bit of shopping at the DiaperDome (our family's name for our local mall, the Hyperdome) - treated myself to a Cadfael DVD - Series 1. Back home I got a lot of knitting done on my top-down raglan making-it-up-as-I-go 12 ply Rustic jumper (piccies soon), sipped tea, got a taste for sugared tamarind from the Asian supermarket (took a while, but I got there! Very tart and salty and sweet all at once!), and enjoyed watching Derek Jacobi solve those mysteries. We have the full Cadfael book collection, and have reread them all many times.
Now for some long overdue pictures of my completed Lara - which I finished a few weeks ago. It's great, I wear it a lot, and it's SO warm. It doesn't really keep my front warm (hence the quick jumper I've just started), and while I can pin it together, it isn't a flattering look. The Bendigo Alpaca pills something terrible. But I really love it, and it's very very pretty and cosy.